Woah… sounds like a profound statement. Trust me it’s not.
I have spent long and varied hours reading through other peoples blogs, mainly for distraction and definately for the funnies, and it strikes me as a good way to get things off your chest and maybe….just maybe create a modicum of entertainment for some other brain fried soul that needs a pick me up.
- Do I think I can achieve this….no
- Do I think anyone will ever see this (me telling them about it doesn’t count)….no
- Times I have quit this page thinking it is a stupid idea….4
Which brings me back to title of the post I guess. Well, much as it pains me to admit, my therapist thought it would be the perfect place to work my own personal shit out. That’s right, I said therapist and yes they have apparently heard about all this new fangled technology stuff.
“Why a therapist?” I hear you cry. Ok, maybe I don’t – Or if I do that might give an explanation right there. Well, I am something of a paradox right now. I believe myself to be a nice guy, decently overweight and with a freakish passing resemblence to Uncle Fester (more on the reason for that in future posts). The paradox is that I have recently been responsible for fucking up someones life after she pretty much dedicated 10 years of her life to trying to make me happy.
Feel free to skip ahead to another blog at this point. I can highly recommend the blogroll as they tend to be actually funny and a real distraction from….let’s face it, the work you are supposed to be doing right now.
NB: The names have not been changed to protect the innocent.
I met Sarah 10 years ago, just after I separated from my (now) ex-wife. She is funny, beautiful and has a lust for life that cannot be denied. We started off as friends, then housemates and eventually lovers. We now have 2 amazing kids (Zak and Brandon-Lee) and spent many a happy year together. I don’t fully know what happened, and yes I am aware about how pathetic that sounds. We moved to Germany together (a long-held desire of mine since I was a kid) and all seemed well. We had the usual bickering of any couple that have been together that long, we had financial issues that we, for the most part, got through.
Looking back from where I sit today, I still can’t put my finger on it. My feelings changed, I no longer feel the love that has been there from very early on in our relationship – Not love at first sight, no nothing that corny, but love after about 3 months – Which is still pretty impressive when you come to think of it.
We were a fit…. we enjoyed each others company, made each other laugh, were fortunate to be able to generate mutual friendships, and in the *ahem* physical aspect we knew just what the other wanted and enjoyed.
So far, so inexplicable then.
10 years after getting together, I feel like I am not the same person. I am still attracted to her, can still make her laugh, she can do the same to me, the physical thing was as good as ever (albeit less frequent – my fault), I just don’t feel the love.
Crazy isn’t it.
The only thing I can reasonably come up with is that, if it is possible (and uncontrollable) to fall “in” love with someone, then the reverse must also be true. That’s it….that’s all I have to explain throwing away a 10 year relationship with an amazing woman that, truth be told, I probably never fully deserved. I miss my kids, I miss our conversations and closeness, but even with that, I still don’t feel like the decision is the wrong one.
One fucked up individual ladies and gentlemen, I bring you Dave. Clearly, someone that follows orders from a German therapist that speaks only slightly more English than I do German (not a lot), is a definate head case. Still, it makes the sessions interesting and the misunderstandings generally end in him reaching for the “Put this man in a padded cell” prescription pad….or something.
I will try to avoid the self-obsessed, depression enducing posts, but I make no guarantee. It IS my blog after all..