Spammage

SPAMI know we are living in what closely approximates a “Big Brother” state. But some of the spam emails I recieve lead me to wonder if these spammers are not spammers, but people with access to cameras in my apartment that monitor my every move.

Some of the emails I have recieved recently:

Viagra
Ok, so everyone gets these things with their clever useage of numbers and spaces to still adequately spell Viagra or Cialis. I wasn’t aware of any particular erectile dysfunction of mine…I still regularly recieve the “Morning Glory” that almost all blokes are plagued with from a tender age. That said, it has been a while, so maybe the pressure of performing would be too much for “Little Dave” (not an ironic moniker unfortunately). Maybe I really do need the benefits of either (or maybe both) of these wonder drugs.

Hair restoration
Ok, Ok, so I may be suffering a little (read..a lot) “early onset male pattern baldness” (I love that statement for some reason), but can these miracle cures really work. Is it wise to spread a mixture of elephant dung, lima scrotum and dodo vomit onto my increasingly glinting pate? Does the prospect of hair growing once more on the desolate barren wasteland of my head warrant smelling like a decomposing corpse for an indeterminate period of time? Sadly yes….

Lose weight
I will admit to being of the “Fuller Figure” body type. And yes, I could stand to lose a few pounds (by few I mean of course a number to the power of something). Here was me thinking that I should exercise more regualarly and take care of my diet, when all I really need to do is take a course of tablets at the low low price of…well…my dignity really.

Shoot like a pornstar
I am not sure I like where this is going…I may be forced to place a call to the Samaritans at this rate. Lets see, I can’t get it up, have no hair and am fat. Now apparently, if I do manage to get it up, my “output” (so to speak) is not up to standard either. Holy crap, it’s a wonder I leave the apartment. Unless it is some kind of firearms training where an elite team of super spies operate under the guise of pornstars. Each with a new and interesting kind of gadget implanted into their bodies that turn them into super weapons. I can see it now, I should patent the idea immediately. I can see the merchandise now – The team from MI69. The possibilities are endless….although I would have to be careful with the PC brigade for the rights to the kids cartoon version…

Anyway, all I can say to these spammers is…how in the blue hell do you know this much about me??

I am going to be ok though, I was just informed that I have won at least 2 lotteries that I don’t remember entering, my long lost friend, Prince Kufti-Namba from Zimbabwe would like to pay me substantially for looking after some cash for him and someone has given me a surefire way to protect my new found wealth by investing in a recession proof business.

Oh, and I can get a matching summer bra AND thong for รข??14

Good times.

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