Hot stuff

Smokin

So I was begging for inspiration, when IP delivered a recount of a story where two people were snogging each others faces off and Z put his finger in the girls mouth.   She enthusiastically started sucking on his finger, realising a little too late that Z had dipped his finger in Tabasco sauce….

Now, I am not sure if she was speaking about herself or not, but it did remind me of a party I had many many years ago.   It was standard house party rules, too small a place, too many people, never enough booze….you know the type.   We had put on a spread of various chips and dips and a good time was being had by all.   Then there was Mark, he took a liking to a particular tomato dip, and was using tortilla chips like spoons to demolish it.   After going through 2 batches of this stuff, I decided to slow him down.   I took the now empty bowl and headed to the kitchen to refill once more.   Rummaging through the cupboards, I discover a bottle of “Dan-Ts Inferno – White Hot Cayenne Pepper Sauce”..now this isn’t as hot as the name suggests, however, it does make Tabasco taste like mayonnaise in comparison.   So I empty the bottle into the bowl and replace said bowl on the table.   Mark dutifully grabs some tortilla chips and starts spooning this stuff into his mouth.   I think it was the 4th scoop where his tastebuds caught up with what was happening, immediately shutdown and sent all sensory responses directly to his pain receptors.   First he went bright red and broke into a sweat, then his eyes became wide and a look of abject terror moved into the real estate of his face.   Mere microseconds after this took place, he bounded to the kitchen where he shoved his head under the cold tap and stayed there for around 10 mins.   You need a moral?   Never eat all of my fave dip at my party… Twisted

A few years later and I am staying at my Aunts place for a weekend, she introduces me to her new fella (who would eventually become my Uncle).   He seems pretty cool, we go out for a few beers and generally have a good laugh.   At some point during the night, the subject of hot/spicy food comes up.   As I have said before, we like our food quite hot in our family so of course, when he suggested a curry eating competition I was well up for it.   We arrive at the Curry House, and decide that we will order 4 different Currys..each one hotter than the last.   I forget their names, but if I tell you that Vindaloo was the 2nd of the 4, you will possibly understand the level of heat we are getting to.   Now, the curry house made up our order and packaged it up to take away and we headed home.   We started to unpack the currys and noticed that they all came with plastic lids that had been heat sealed onto the container.   Good idea thinks I, no spillage.   Getting this frickin glued plastic monstrosity off each container though proved somewhat difficult, the plastic would split and you would end up with a load of the curry sauce on whichever finger fell through.   Still, no problem…lick sauce from finger and carry on.   We begin on the first of the 4 and I distinctly remember checking the container for the telltale number 3 written on it by the curry house…unfortunately this was most definitely number 1 and I realised I could be in trouble.   A casual glance towards my soon to be Uncle determines that it is barely registering as a curry…He even talked about giving some to his dog as it was weak….At this point I have already lost bodyweight through sweatloss.   Cue curry number 2…again I get some of the sauce on my finger and proceed to lick it off…at which point my tastebuds shut down…long enough for me to finish it.   Once again “Uncle Asbestos Mouth” is quite content.   I have a slight ringing in my ears and can’t see from the sweat pouring down my face.   Most people would have stopped at this point and conceded….most people….not me….I don’t do losing very well.   Bring on curry 3.   I had assumed, wrongly, that my tastebuds shutting down would last.   I didn’t anticipate them springing back to life just in time for the first mouthful of curry 3….excruciating pain…how the hell do people enjoy this shit!?!?   Still, I somehow get through it and may have spent the latter part of it sitting inside the freezer…but finish it I did…somehow.   Then came curry 4, it should be pointed out that Uncle “Thermonuclear” was merrily chatting away and seemingly unaffected by anything he had eaten thus far…for my part, I was talking like I had just had a stroke.   I open curry 4 and again, end up with sauce on my finger.   I take a lick…and my head exploded, seriously, pain the likes of which I can probably never fully explain.   I dish it up and Uncle Volcanoe tucks in….and I conceded.   I think I managed to get about halfway through before passing out…   I was just glad that we remembered to put the toilet paper in the freezer when I woke up the next morning…

All these years later, I have just about got the feeling back in my lips..but my tastebuds will probably never recover.

Ah well, Vindaloo anyone?

Confused

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