Taking the piss and general abuse apparently. I mean, I know that my usual modus operandi is just that, and I am pretty good at it generally. I also know that you shouldn’t dish it out if you can’t take it, but still…
On Friday night at the bar, a good and merry time was being had by all. Much drinking and frivolity were abound as they generally are down in my living room. The dynamic duo were heading off to warmer climes for a short while, so everyone was in good spirits..and I think it is also fair to say that good spirits were in everyone.
So at some point, I am told that Bohemian Rhapsody has been requested in a fit of Old Skool nostalgia…of course, nostalgia isn’t the reason. A number of years ago, I got into a comedian called Lee Evans, and he ended his first (I think) live show with Bohemian Rhapsody, and did a “routine” to go along with it. It was genius and I have never forgotten it. Fast forward to a few weeks ago and I try and recreate this routine when the song starts playing. So, on Friday night I am being asked…ney told…that I have to do said routine again. Here it is for the uninitiated (not me doing it I hasten to add)
Just as I start getting into the actions, I get accosted by a lady of Norwegian extraction, who decides that she wants to slow dance to this…and wanders right through all of my “audience” to grab me. Being the fine friends that they are, everyone shoves me towards her and thus begins the strangest slow dance in the history of the world. I am of course, deeply embarrassed but trying to get it over with. It wasn’t helped by a chant going up…that seemed to get taken up by the entire bar..lead of course, by Z. I believe it went something like this…”MILF MILF MILF MILF MILF MILF”. I hope I remembered the words correctly.
Now, having 30 people chanting MILF over and over, and clapping in unison, really doesn’t help with the embarrassment factor and I tried to extricate myself from the situation as quickly as possible. However, it was like the fight scene in a hollywood movie, everytime I tried to get through the crowd to my cigarettes and beer, I was shoved back towards “she who will forever be known as MILF”. Resistance was futile, especially when Z started passing over free shots in an effort to “help” me, by saying they were from me.
I have also been informed, by the dynamic duo, that this embarrassing scene was well deserved thanks to my deciding to throw a condom at a couple that really needed to get a room, and inspiring a round of applause at another couple that actually thought that they had found a room. In my defence….it was bloody funny.
I eventually get back to my beer, and the redness of my face starts to dissipate as the embarrassment leaves me, when I get accosted by a second woman. Now this rarely happens, so I am only recounting the story for it’s strangeness in relation to how I am generally percieved. Now, on Thursday and Friday night, there is a woman in the bar..an asian woman, with quite a strong face (read jaw)…I was guilty in my mildly inebriated state, of asking people if it was a guy. All of the women in the bar were convinced that she was in fact a she, so I chose to agree with them. Anyhoo..a few moments after getting away from “MILF”, I am leaning on the bar to get another beer. Up walks the asian woman and grabs me for a cuddle…simultaneously telling me that she had seen me the night before, and that I was “Much fun and very funny”. Being British means it is difficult to accept a compliment, so I return the hug as it looks like she is leaving and mumble a “Thank you” before trying to get back to the important act of beer acquisition. At that moment she full on kisses me, and sweeps out the door. Someone said something to me but all I could muster was “I am not sure how I feel about that”. It goes without saying that I am now absolutely convinced she was a woman…the alternative just scares the crap out of me
This was also the night where DB was introduced to the joys of my living room, and after a few bevvies, was telling me…every 5 minutes…that it was the best bar he had ever been to. DS genuinely thought he had pulled SL, despite her telling him very clearly and slowly…to his face..that it would never happen. DS is also responsible for the best drunk walk since John Cleese did “The Ministry of Silly Walks” in Monty Python…oh, and for actually managing to embarrass Z when we ended up in Club Keller. Club Keller was actually great on Friday night, it had so many people that it actually reminded me of the opening scene from Blade…I kept looking up and half-expecting there to be showers full of blood ready to pour down on us all. Also, what is it about Rage Against the Machines “Killing in the name of” that makes a place go insane? Seriously, properly insane. There aren’t many songs that are 16 years old that can do that….