I was told a story yesterday that has got to be worthy of a mention. It should also be pointed out that, A Division by Zer0 is writing about this too…but damnit I couldn’t pass up writing about it too.
Apparently the other night, MB returned home at around 3am after a session on the beer. Nothing unusual there you might think, but upon entering his domicile, he was confronted by a man….sitting on his couch….and using his computer.
Obviously, the initial “Is this my flat?” confusion and quickly stepping outside to confirm, was rapidly replaced by “WTF!”. The guy, not content with being sat on someone elses couch at 3am, was remarkably calm. I suspect that it was this apparent calmness that stopped MB from delivering retribution on a scale only measurable by his bodies alcohol content. Then it dawned on him, the front door was locked as expected and MB had opened said door in the normal drunken manner (5 attempts to get key in the keyhole that seems to be moving and blurring in and out of focus). All appeared to be well with the windows…no glass lying around. How the hell did this miscreant get into the apartment?
Looking toward the kitchen area all was revealed. This lunatic was actually the neighbour of MB and had cut a hole in the wall between the two apartments. It transpires late that this was his second attempt, as his first attempt had ended up with the hole being blocked by kitchen units. The wall is some half meter thick, made of brick and covered with plasterboard.
Please see exhibit A:
A pretty neat job by all accounts. Upon seeing this, MB enquired as to the nature of this gentlemans visit and was rewarded with a tale of a woman continuously knocking on the wall…and he needed to investigate. On top of all of this, and with no trace of sarcasm…the lunatic tells MB that “God told me to do it”
God. Told him to do it. Seriously…
You would hope that God might have mentioned the modern era invention of doors and the ability to knock on them…at a reasonable hour. That said, God does move in mysterious ways apparently and, as we are all Gods creatures, this guy decided to be Jerry in this real life cartoon.
It beggars belief, although the thought strikes me that it could have been considerably worse had MB been in when it happened. If you look at how neat the hole is..chances are that, at some point, there would have been a fucking huge knife or similar poking its way through the plasterboard. I know myself that I would have instantly shit myself in a horror movie stylee.
Phoning the police was an interesting challenge, as the dispatcher didn’t speak English and repeating the question “Do you know the way to the library?” in ever increasing volume just wasn’t going to cut it for this conversation. Cue a number of phonecalls to friends with German girlfriends later and the police were called by proxy.
The police arrive (10 of them) to find an incredulous MB…asking lots of questions along the lines of “Is this normal?; This can’t be normal, can it?; Have you seen this before?” and so on. The police tried to reassure MB and inform him that in fact, no…this was not normal behaviour, nor have they seen this before. Obviously they arrested the guy, but needed to get into his apartment….which was locked and he hadn’t brought keys. Clearly he had planned to make more use of his tunnel now that he had made a new friend. Maybe, once he realised that there was in fact no woman to be found, knocking on the wall or otherwise…he decided that this could be the start of a beautiful friendship. It is possible that he was using MBs laptop to search Ebay for just the right accoutrements to beautify the new entrance between abodes. A Mancunian/Frankfurtian lovenest if you will (for MB is indeed a Manc..try not to hold that against him).
In the absence of keys, one of the police officers had to crawl through to this guys apartment..where they discovered the plasterboard and all of the bricks neatly stacked up.
Suffice to say that MB is currently residing in a hotel until the landlord effects the repairs to the property and hopefully evicts the nutter. Let’s face it, you just know that the coppers won’t be able to hold him long and he will be back…crawling through the tunnel and probably masturbating to goat pr0n on MBs couch, staring at pictures of the Mancunian maestro himself.
It could happen.