So this Saturday is the official made up day of lurve. I say made up as it does seem to be a little too commercialised..looking into the whole “St Valentine” thing just results in admittance that there was nothing romantic in it at all.
As Barry White once said “I’m gonna love you, love you; Love you just a little bit more baby”
Obviously Barry can’t have been married, otherwise his lyrics would have referred to his “Non-Birthday blowjob, providing you don’t have a headache…baby” or something.
Over here in Germany, it is nowhere near as big as the UK…but, as with Halloween, they are catching up…fast. Expectations will soon be raised and guys all over the country will be waking up on that fateful 14th February and heading down to the nearest petrol station to pick up a bunch of wilted flowers and a box of Ferrero Rocher, or be faced with the wrath of their nearest and dearest. Restaurants will be double booked and charging double the price. At least here they don’t appear to have reached the level of the UK, which translates into parents sending their kids Valentines cards, just in case. I know that Mums and Nans are just trying to help and ensure that their special little boy/girl isn’t left cardless and leperlike at school…but when you get older, and start to recognise the writing…the only card you will need then is the card for the therapist appointment hotline. Tantamount to child abuse that is…in the long term obviously.
I think Jimmy Carr said it best:
“Valentines day is the only day of the year where you can recieve an unsigned card from a complete stranger saying they want to fuck you, and you go…Aaawww”
Why do valentines cards have to be unsigned? Surely that defeats the purpose of expressing your underlying stalker nature love to someone. The idea of spending money (in a recession no less) on a card, possibly flowers and maybe chocolates..then sending them to someone signed “your secret admirer”, seems more than a little dim to me.
Also, if the person happens to be with someone (which is the only logical reason to not announce yourself), and you believe this person isn’t worthy of their love, because they are an arsehole or something….the chances are that they have forgotten to send anything…and you sending an unsigned gift allows them to instantly get credit (and the blowjob) for your purchase.
Far from show this person what life could be like without this arsehole, you just made him look good… Not the brightest idea you could ever have. Sure, signing your name on a card/flowers/chocolate combo to Sue in accounting, knowing that she is seeing Psycho the Bouncer (and former kick boxing champion)..who happens to know exactly where you live…might be a little scary. I understand that but, think of the adrenalin rush…and the possible interesting sexy times that might ensue after you get out of hospital and physio..
For my part I am doing the modern thing this year, I will be cooking for CW…we will probably settle in to watch a chick flick, drink wine and talk about our feelings..wait, hang on. Let me try again… I will be cooking for CW..there may be a movie comedy to watch, some alcohol and who knows what else. There will be a Do Not Disturb sign on my front door, and the paramedics just outside in case of gastronomical disaster. I am nothing if not thoughtful.
Right, I am off down to the shops to stock up on Rennie, Gaviscon and Peptobismal.
Enjoy your very own night of luuuurve.