Lyrically Challenged

Take That performing at the Royal Variety Show 16 Dec 2008I realise that this may seem like a relatively tame..ney bleedin’ easy target, but Take That have been responsible for more female teen incontinence than White Lightning Cider or Thunderbird Red in the UK combined.   So it is only right that I at least attempt to review/analyse their genius.   In particular a song that was inexplicably one of the best selling love songs when it was released.   I give you Back For Good by Take That:

I guess now it’s time for me to give up
I feel it’s time
Got a picture of you beside me
Got your lipstick mark still on your coffee cup
Got a fist of pure emotion
Got a head of shattered dreams
Gotta leave it, gotta leave it all behind now

The song starts off strongly, but clearly Mr Barlow is not a man of his convictions or this song would have ended after the first line, and we could have gone on with our lives.   But no…he chooses to toy with our emotions, lulling us into a false sense of hope and optimism.   That said, he feels it’s time…so who am I to argue.

Now, he has a picture of her beside him…ok, the lad has gone through a break-up, I can understand having pictures of her.   Maybe it is a dirty picture…that would certainly explain the “fist of pure emotion”, but c’mon Mr Barlow…admit that you are having a wank…it’s perfectly natural.   I can’t be sure about the shattered dreams…maybe he never got the chance to have that threesome they always talked about, if that is the case that would explain having to leave it all behind.   Maybe leaving the desire for the threesome behind will mean she might come back to him…I suppose it’s possible.

Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn’t mean it
I just want you back for good
Whenever I’m wrong just tell me the song and I’ll sing it
You’ll be right and understood

It’s a decent attempt to apologise…you have realised that you did indeed fuck something up royally.   That said, you can’t figure it out and you are playing straight into her hands.   We all know that women love to play this card…you know.. “If you don’t know what you’ve done, there is no point me telling you!”..that one.   Think man, think!   There must be something.   Maybe you left pubic hair in the soap…wiped your cock on the curtains once too often…continuously left the toilet seat up (or down, but you peed on it)?   There has to be something you are prepared to admit to, if not to us through the medium of song, at least to yourself.   Obviously with the lipstick marks left on cups from the first verse…you don’t wash up very often.   It’s often the little things.

You want her back for good, fair enough…but it sounds to me like she left you.   Maybe she left you because you like karaoke a little too much.   Why can’t you just talk to her?   Do you really need to sing it, and if so..can’t you pick a meaningful song for yourself, instead of expecting her to pick the apology song.   I have to say though, she gives you the apology and you accept it, unquestionably???   Do you even own a testicle?

Unaware but underlined I figured out this story
It wasn’t good
But in the corner of my mind I celebrated glory
But that was not to be
In the twist of separation you excelled at being free
Can’t you find a little room inside for me

You mean to tell me that it was underlined?!?…oh ffs…she left you a note explaining things?   Why didn’t you mention this before?   It doesn’t leave you an awful lot to figure out then…she frickin’ told you the reasons…with underlining (and probably a highlighter pen…I realise rhyming anything with highlighter pen could be complex though) aswell.   I must confess to a small amount of intrigue though…what glory are you celebrating exactly?   Did she dump you for loads of things, but not the one thing you expected…therefore as a man, you consider that a victory?   Don’t get me wrong, I get it…I really do – Us men have to take the wins where we can get them…it doesn’t happen too often after all.

Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn’t mean it
I just want you back for good
Whenever I’m wrong just tell me the song and I’ll sing it
You’ll be right and understood

Back to this again…even after reading her note, you still can’t work out what you did?   We get that you want her back, you told us already.   And for christ sake, enough with the Karaoke fixation…Even I want to leave you and we haven’t even met….and I am not just referring to my dislike for your music.

And we’ll be together, this time is forever
We’ll be fighting and forever we will be
So complete in our love
We will never be uncovered again

Did you ever consider the possibility that you sound like a stalker who plans on keeping her in a specially constructed love “cell”?   It’s not too likely she will be coming back of her own free will…and anyone seeing you at the local hardware store buying duct tape, rope and asking about the availability of chloroform will propably be a little suspicious….

And fighting??   Fighting??   Are you serious?   Didn’t your Mum and Dad ever teach you that fighting never solves anything?….and honestly, I realise you look like you would struggle to fight your way out of a wet paper bag, fighting a woman is a definite hallmark of the distinctly testicularly challenged.   Also, I think we have massively different definitions of love if you expect your actions to make you both complete in it….

Hang on a minute…the last line there “…never be uncovered again” – Are you saying that your love “cell” is a love bunker?   Or are you, dare I say it, planning on killing both yourself and her in some sort of “together for eternity” bollocks…   Someone should call the authorities…

Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn’t mean it
I just want you back for good
Whenever I’m wrong just tell me the song and I’ll sing it
You’ll be right and understood

Back to this again?   I am pretty sure that she wasn’t interested anyway, but by repeating the same shit 3 times…maybe she will reconsider eh?   10 out of 10 for persistence Mr Barlow…. I will give you that much

I guess now it’s time, that you came back for good

I guess it’s time for the police to be called, her to enter some form of witness protection programme, the courts to be prepared and you to be fitted for a made to measure nice white “cuddle yourself” jacket….but that’s just me…

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