In case you were wondering…

Y…where chainletters and their ilk had gone to…wonder no more.

As far as I can tell, they all seem to have migrated over to that wondrous and oft ranted about (by me at least) site, Facebook.  I am not entirely sure when this happened…I used to enjoy learning how my forwarding an email to 20 people in 5 minutes could save the Lesser spotted 6 year old missing child with half a lung, 2 days to live and projectile leprosy.  Now it’s all depressingly accurate weight loss, hair gain and penis enlargement.

I mean, I enjoy being a part of change as much as the next man…or at least the one after him, but I do prefer to lend my (not inconsiderable) weight to issues that have real and plausible solutions.

I do not subscribe to the belief that the CEO of Facebook is reading every group that is created (with the apparent exception of the I automatically hate the new facebook homepage group…because that is, in fact, genius..especially when half the people joining don’t appear to get the joke.  That said, it is probably more likely than some of the other “JOIN ME AND MICROSOFT WILL GO BANKRUPT!!!!!111eleven” groups out there.

If the CEO of Facebook, Mark SugarMountain, created a group himself…then, and only then, could anyone make a statement that joining that group will achieve whatever is stated.

Mind you, ZS pointed out that joining these groups is “kinda like some people trying to get laid in the anglo…but hey, it’s good for business”…which I can’t really argue with.

So with all that in mind…I have created a group that is guaranteed to do exactly what it says…click here to join.

An honest group…whatever next?

BBC Song Analysis Fail

Men at Work
Photo by Red~Cyan
Go and have a look at this article by the BBC.  No, it’s ok I can wait.

Now, does that look like an article that tells you “What the Men at Work song Down Under is all about”…no, absolutely not.  Sure, they explain a couple of the terms…and they even manage to speak to the writer of the song himself…and it still leaves you with a sense of…well…nothing.

I wouldn’t normally have taken this on, but as an Englishman I feel it my duty to clean up the mess that the BBC have made.  Fear not Mother England, I will salvage the BBCs reputation…even at the expense of my own.

I bring you… Down Under by Men At Work

Traveling in a fried-out kombi
On a hippie trail, head full of zombie
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous
She took me in and gave me breakfast

Now, I will go as far as to agree with the BBC and state that, a fried-out kombi is indeed a vehicle..and not, as I first thought, a combination convection grill/microwave oven.  With that in mind…and seeing as those particular VW vans were the mainstay of hippy travel for many happy years, I would guess that the hippy trail also fits.

Quite how you follow a hippy trail is beyond me though, it probably goes in circles and stops a lot for “relaxation breaks”.  It will no doubt be littered with “doobies” and bio-degradable condoms…making following it a bit easier than first thoughts suggest.

Now we come to a problem.  If a strange lady makes you nervous, why oh why would you allow yourself to be taken in and given breakfast?  It makes no sense…well..unless you consider the “hippy trail” and the inevitable munchies that will occur…I suppose.

And she said,
Do you come from a land down under?
Where women glow and men plunder?
Cant you hear, cant you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover.

Ok, so she is a little nosey…and has clearly heard bad things about Australia…namely their (apparently) sweaty  women and their (again, apparently) thieving men.  Personally I think she is going a bit far there..I mean, it was a very long time ago that Australia consisted of convicts.  I have a question though, what kind of place…that you can be taken in to, and served breakfast…wouldn’t be able to protect you from a thunderstorm?  Unless you had made some sort of breakfast faux pax…say, ketchup instead of brown sauce, asking for coffee instead of a cup of sweet tea or, worst of all…toast instead of fried bread.  Let’s face it, breakfast faux pax of this ilk deserve severe punishment, and being thrown out into a thunderstorm suggest getting off very lightly.

Buying bread from a man in brussels
He was six foot four and full of muscles
I said, do you speak-a my language?
He just smiled and gave me a vegemite sandwich

I always suspected that Brussels is the root of all evil.  Claiming that a banana isn’t one because it didn’t bend enough, stating that we can’t call sausages…sausages, same for chocolate.  Bastards the lot of em.  And here we finally have the proof…some musclebound evil sociopath, handing out Vegemite sandwiches with a malevolent grin on his face…He probably even advertised them as Marmite..just to entice people to have them.  Bastard

And he said,
I come from a land down under
Where beer does flow and men chunder
Cant you hear, cant you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover.

Ahh, so our evil Brusselian sociopath is claiming to be an Aussie.  I’m not entirely sure that he could convince anyone that wasn’t on the hippy trail…but hey, you can only convince what’s in front of you I suppose.  However, he is now essentially stating that Aussies can’t drink…which has admittedly been my experience, but you expect a little bit of national pride here.  Also, I can only assume that Australia never gets thunderstorms…like, ever!  I mean, they are all bleedin’ terrified of the things.  All this running and taking cover…it’s thunder ffs…christ on a rope, I can’t imagine their reaction if there was some bloody lightning.

Lying in a den in bombay
With a slack jaw, and not much to say
I said to the man, are you trying to tempt me
Because I come from the land of plenty?

Bombay…man this guy gets about a bit doesn’t he.  I mean, hippies are normally so tanked up that they “visit the world” purely in their mind, so for one to move around so much…strange to say the least.  He appears to be visiting bombay with a slack jawed redneck too…which is nice.  Is Australia really the land of plenty though?  Plenty of sunburn I suppose…Plenty of things in the water designed to kill you too (thanks Dylan Moran)…plenty of what “Men at Work”, plenty of what?  The public needs to know…well, I do at least.

And he said,
Oh! do you come from a land down under? (oh yeah yeah)
Where women glow and men plunder?
Cant you hear, cant you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover

Well, it would seem that the good people of Bombay would struggle to deal with storms too, although the rumours of sweaty women and all the men being burglars, seems to have reached there too.  Oh well, no smoke without fire I suppose…

So there you have it, not my best song analysis…but to be fair, look at what I was working with people….seriously.

Men At Work, try working at trying harder to make sense.

I am off for a chunder after a zombie in a combi in Bomb…i  Oops!

Run for your lives….

Basta de Mentiras!!!
Photo by ?N KatuM?
Bird flu?  Pah, I fire small BB gun pellets and knock it out of the sky.  Swine flu?  Don’t bother me with such trivia, I cut it into pieces and serve breaded with a nice mushroom sauce.  Your pitiful animal based illnesses wouldn’t make me breathe heavily…let alone become actually ill.

What I have is far, far worse.  As we speak they are setting up isolation tents all around Frankfurt.  Everyone coming into and out of the city have to go through a sheep dip type affair…just to be certain that they don’t allow this thing to escape.

That’s right…I have Man-Flu.  Head swimming (not in a good way), nostrils blocked, coughing up internal organs, blurred vision, headachy sort of man-flu.

This is never a good thing to happen when you just started working for a new company.  Nor is it the best idea to head back into work with all of the above symptoms slamming into you with monotonous regularity.

Still, it’s gotta be better than staying at home, in bed, with CW looking after me…right?   RIGHT?

Shit!

The might of "The 'mite"

marmite love
Photo by chotda
Now…I am English, so this may be a little biased.  Let’s face it though, it doesn’t count as bias if I am right….which I am…so I won’t mention that further.

What the hell am I talking about?  Well, the constantly ongoing feud between the ‘mite fans..Vege (boo) and Mar (yey).  On the surface, two very similar products…crack open that yellow top though and you will find things much different.

Marmite, is more of a gloopy consistency which makes it easier to spread.  Whereas Vegemite is the same consistency of, say, earwax.  Speaking of earwax, that quite accurately describes the “taste sensation” of Vegemite.

Let’s put a myth to rest shall we, thanks to our wonderful Wikipedia friend.  Marmite has been produced since 1902 and Vegemite since 1922…and even managed to withstand the amazing idea to remarket Vegemite as Parwill (as in Marmite like it, but Parwill)…genius or what?  So Marmite is indeed the original AND the best.

Vegemite has never managed to take off outside of Australia, whereas Marmite is popular in most places…including Australia.

The Marmite slogan “Love it or Hate it” would never work with Vegemite…Be honest, “Hate it or Really Hate it” doesn’t offer much in the way of guaranteed sales.  It’s my theory that Vegemite sells so well (albeit in Australia) due to the human fascination of sharing horrible experiences.

You know what I mean…if you go to a restaurant and order something which ends up tasting disgusting…what’s the first thing you do??  You offer a mouthful to the person you are with and say.. “Here, taste this, it’s disgusting”, or something with a more colourful use of your chosen language.  Same as road accidents, you don’t want to look…but you might see a lopped off limb.

There you go, Vegemite is the roadkill of the foodstuff world.  Whereas Marmite is a versatile product that has been turned into crisp flavours, added to sausages, flavoured Twiglets and released in various other guises.  They even do a squeezy version…in direct comparison to the Vegemite marketing idea of making it look like one of those old tubs you find in a garage with some hideous substance inside, that noone knows what it is, but noone wants to throw away…just in case.

In a nuclear holocaust…cockroaches won’t actually survive as is the popular belief..because Vegemite will be the only foodstuff left untouched.  They will evolve into a lemming-like breed of weakling cockroaches, simply to avoid having to chow down on the stuff, they will throw themselves into the molten lava running through our cities.

So, a quick recap… Vegemite is

  • Disgusting

  • A bad copy of a great product, that arrived 20 years later

  • Unpopular outside of Australia

  • The foodstuff equivelant of a road accident

  • Reminscent of that tub of stuff you find in your garage but won’t open (or risk throwing away)
  • The only thing that could wipe cockroaches from the face of the planet***

Whereas Marmite is

  • Genius

So there you have it.

I am  glad I could clear that up in an analytical and, above all else, impartial way.

Razz

*** Not necessarily a bad thing….to be fair

Super Thumb ™

Me as a Thumb (Nude)
Photo by Conekt
The fighters back off, eyeing one another cautiously..waiting for each other to make the first move.   Somewhere, in the background, cries of encouragement for either fighter can be heard.

The tension increases, a bead of sweat trickles down the forehead…slowly, the American edges forward..tensed like a tiger, waiting to pounce on the slightest movement.   The Chinese fighter makes his move…..moving, spinning kicks at mind boggling speed… so the American waits, waits for the perfect moment to arrive, he ducks under the oncoming kick   and with a swift turn to face his opponent once more..only one sound can be heard

HADOUKEN

That’s right, Super Thumb ™ is victorious once more.   Taking on all challengers and with the ability to swell to 3 times his normal size… Super Thumb ™’s Street Fighter 4 skills no absolutely no bounds.   This skill comes at no small price though, his transformation from mere skilled player to Super Thumb ™ takes patience, concentration and no small amount of pain.

That’s right, I have been playing SF4 recently…not only that, I have been playing against CW…who has taken to it like a web footed flying creature to a large abundance of H2 and indeed O.   So much so that Super Thumb ™ may have bitten off more than he can chew…and indeed have found his arch villain nemesis.

CW, or “Spinny Spinny Girl ™” has never played this type of game before…so the inevitable ass-kicking was summarily handed out by my good self the other day.   The next day, however, was a slightly different barrel of spanners.   The ratio of ass kickings, delivered to recieved, got considerably closer after 1 day… are my skills waining ladies and gentlemen?

Probably, although I thank you for thinking it, as it suggests that I had skills to lose in the first place.   So yes, when tonight rolls around, I fully expect to be getting my arse kicked….repeatedly.   I have to ask myself a number of questions though…

Am I too old?

Quite possibly…they say you are as old as you feel…but by my reckoning, with all the aches and pains I seem to get…I don’t want that to be the case.   I don’t think you are ever too hold to have a laugh.

Am I just crap at fighting games these days?

These days??   My my, how the rose tinted glasses of the past seem to be snugly upon your face dear Dave….you were never that good to begin with.

Is it considered petty to tamper with CWs controller to swing things my way?

Probably…it shouldn’t be…but it probably is – Damnit!

Am I above doing it?
Probably not…I should be…but I am probably not – Arse!

Can she be distracted in some way?
That’s more likely…but there again…with my potentially lifeless pixellated body on-screen…a team of wild horses couldn’t get her to look away.   It’s the evil chuckling that gets to me…it really does

When exactly are they going to take gullible out of the dictionary?
Ok, so not necessarily relevant, but I heard it from a reliable source some years ago and, with each new revision of the dictionary, it’s still there…

All things considered, I will take the beating like a man…an emasculated girly man, but a man nonetheless…then I will have my revenge by installing Soldier of Fortune 2…muahahahahahaahahaaaaaaa

Well…at least until she beats me at that too

Eek!

Enquiry regarding voicemail button

Stupid…not descriptive enough

Air India VT-ALD
Photo by Drewski2112
So…whilst the airlines would have you believe that flying is safer than staying in bed (or something), the general public, and indeed some of the aircrew themselves, are determined to lay this safety myth to rest.

Apparently, claims of sexual harassment within a cockpit of an Air India flight erupted into a full on, fists flying encounter that spilled into the passenger area of the aircraft…no doubt reminiscent of any number of action movies.   You can’t beat a bit of argy Bhaji (you see what I did there??).   I had visions of the in flight film being Passenger 57, but displayed in 3D…which would then have the passengers believing that “This new 3D technology is sooo realistic”…or something.   The question that doesn’t seem to be being asked is about how it all started.

Ok, “Sexual Harassment Claims”…I get that bit.   When I first read it, I suspected that it happened months ago but, due to a fatal flaw in shift planning (or a sick sense of humour), the accuser and accusee where scheduled on the same flight.   However, it appears to have happened on the flight, where the woman (rightly so) reacted and then the Knights of the Small Cock(pit) had at it…one defending himself and his innocence, and the other defending the fair maiden in distress?   Whatever happend, punches were thrown and I think we can safely say that the passengers were grateful for Autopilots…and of course the extra in-flight entertainment.

Not so entertaining though, is the wonderful example of British womanhood that was on display flying from Greece to Manchester (explains a lot).   Apparently, two women managed to get onto a plane, pissed out of their heads…and with their own bottle of vodka that they were drinking when the aircrew denied them more from the in-flight bar.   One of them, being somewhat the worse for wear, decided that what she really needed was some “fresh air” and decided to open the door….at 10,000 feet.   Apparently, when the crew decided to restrain her, she started trying to batter people with the vodka bottle.   Klassy huh?.

Personally, I would have spoken to the captain…confirmed that a cabin depressurisation wouldn’t down the aircraft…advised all passengers to strap in, and then let her open the frickin’ thing.   Some people deserve to learn the meaning of consequence.

I am sure that even the most cursory google search would return about a million pages with examples of sheer bloody stupidity in the air.

Personally, I wouldn’t mind a bit of an “Air Adventure”…maybe the chance to rugby tackle an unruly passenger hellbent on killing us all, not through malice but, through sheer bloody minded stupidity.   What happened to people just getting in trouble for smoking in the toilet…after sex…with the pilot…during takeoff….whilst stealing wine from the trolley.

Times they appear to be a’changin’