This post is going to annoy, irritate and possibly upset at least 3 people that I am very close to..my daughter and both M & K. Unfortunately, this is unavoidable. Why? Well…I watched Twilight last night.
We wanted to watch a film and, while we have numerous Hollywood classics available to choose from, CW insisted on finally seeing what all the fuss was about..despite my vigorous protestations.
The play button was hit, and we settled in to watch. I must add here that neither of us have read the books, but hey..it’s got vampires in it, so it can’t be that bad…they can’t screw up the vampire myth…that’s impossible…right?
Apparently not, apparently it is indeed possible to screw up the vampire myth. Now, before I move onto the vampire issue (I need to build up as there is very little actual vampire action in the film)..I want to talk about the school.
Is the entire school on drugs? You know, happy pills…uppers. As everyone loves her from the beginning. I spent my formative years moving around various schools and I can say with absolute certainty that a new kid, arriving in a beaten up hunk of junk car who is not exactly a fashion model and clearly uncomfortable with any attention, would not be met with the entire school liking her immediately.
Then the vampires walk in…you can tell it’s them as they are all very very pale and walk in slow motion everywhere. I can’t tell if that was for dramatic effect, or if this is how vampires are supposed to move in Twilight world.
Don’t get me wrong, I realise that this is supposed to be more a romance than a vampire film..I get it, I really do. That said, wtf is with the biology class scene. She sits next to a guy that she has never met..who then runs out of the class and starts trying to move to a different class..and then disappears from school for a while. When he eventually comes back to school, her reaction is a very hurt “you were gone”..which leads to him being apologetic. If that were me in that situation, I would have most likely responded with “umm…who the fuck are you, you crazy stalker-psycho-hosebeast?”.
Instead they move into having deep conversations about nothing and it is all a little too teen-angst ridden to be plausible. He saves her life, then he calls her names, then he hates her, then he likes her..christ, if the costume designer had decided to give her pigtails, he would have been running up to her and pulling them.
Anyway..she figures it out..and strolls past him and into a forest for what is arguably the most pointless scene I have ever seen in a film. Mr Wannabe Vampire starts leaping about like a some sort of emo frog on cocaine, proclaiming that he is a killing machine…I can’t really argue..he was killing me at that point.
Then he says something along the lines of “I want to show you why we don’t come out in the sunlight”. Great, thinks I, he is going to sizzle and smoke and be in extraordinary pain to demonstrate to her the danger by which he lives. No, apparently not..that generally accepted part of vampire lore was obviously too much for the author. Instead, he looks like he had just left a hen party at a male strip club in Newcastle…covered in glitter ffs. Strike 1 for vampire lore.
Strike 2 for vampire lore when the author decides, quite conveniently that none of them have the ability to control humans…however, Coca-Frog can read minds of everyone except Miss Teen Angst 2009 and another one can see the future.
Also, the special effects of them running very quickly are outrageously bad..and the least said about him climbing a tree the better. I think though, that my favourite bit of the whole film has to be the 1980s style face off on the baseball field. I am sure that they must have cut a breakdance style dance-off from the final film…when the “nasty and evil” vamps turn up and everyone crouches down and leans forward…I almost wet myself. I would love to have seen them moonwalking and shaking it against each other.
Also, the main baddy vamp can smell the girls scent all the way back to her house, but can’t work out she is human until a bit of wind blows her hair…from half a meter away…give me a fucking break. At least the fight at the end attempted to show some genuine badass vampire action..well, when he broke her leg anyway. 10 minutes before the end of the film for the first bit of decent action…and it was over after a couple of pulls of a hidden wire and a bite. Disappointing to say the very least.
I think my lasting memory of the film is that of pressing pause and realising that 40 minutes had gone by and not a single fucking thing had happened…oh, and that there was another hour and 20 minutes left.
So let’s recap here..vampires in the Twilight universe are:
All glittery when caught in the sun
Vegetarians, if they don’t eat humans (w.t.f)
Mind readers (one of them)
Able to tell the future (one of them)
Fine to become doctors and be around all that blood without having a snack or two
Incredibly quick and powerful…but choose to drive a small silver Volvo
Able to control bloodlust by having an angst ridden teenage girl talk bollocks to them
Incapable of having sex without bouncing themselves off a wall and feeling guilty
Something tells me I won’t be watching “New Moon”.
Now, where is my Blade Trilogy..I need some real vampire films to remind me what they should be like.