I am going to make this post public. It’s normally the sort of thing I would post with a password, but I don’t want to do that..so I am going to keep it deliberately vague. I am not doing that so that people will fish for information, nor am I fishing for anything from anyone.
Many years ago I used to blog. Anyone that forgot to remove me from their feed might even remember. As much as I used to write about funny stuff that I have experienced through life, writing was therapeutic. I didn’t need it for the longest time, I need it now.
At 42 and approaching 43 fast, my life has completely changed. I didn’t want it to and, as it turns out, I had no control over it. But it has, and so I need to deal with it as best I can.
I had plans to move and maybe I still will at some point, who knows. Maybe, in time, I will be back where I was only a couple of short weeks ago. I was happy, blindingly so it appears. In the last couple of weeks I have come to realise that friendships I had pretty much let slide were still there. I have come to realise my own self-worth, despite the fact that this is very hard to do for someone that suffers with mild depression, who unexpectedly goes through something that is the absolute polar opposite of what has kept the depression at bay for many years.
Objectively, I am depressed right now. I know that, I am self-aware enough to recognise certain things in myself, if not everything. I actually think that it is OK to feel this way, which is why I have denied it for the last couple of weeks. Why I have tried to mask it with anger not sorrow, tried to fight down the tears and put on a front to be myself as always. I have also reached a level of understanding that I didn’t think I had within me. And it is true, I really do understand what has happened recently. I will never be able to say that I agree or like it, but I can at least understand and try to move forward.
Maybe, through understanding, things can be different in the future. It’s not something to dwell on, fixate on or even hope for, but it could happen and, just that faint possibility makes me smile regardless of how I may or may not feel in the future. It’s weird, anyone that knows me and that knows what has been happening, would not expect that sentence from me. Neither would I to tell the truth, but I agree with it, and I find it changing my previous (and long held) attitude about certain things.
2 days ago, I asked for 2 things from someone (well, one thing really). I have already been given some of what I asked for, and it has helped.
I think I asked, to begin with, as a test of something. I don’t know what, exactly, but a test nonetheless. Since then, just the act of asking has helped me a lot. I realise now, these two things are not a test. They are absolute confirmation of my understanding. They are confirmation of my ability to process what I have been through the last couple of weeks and to come out the other side how I think I can. Am I where I think I am?
I need them, a small part of them isn’t going to be enough. I can’t explain how much I need them, but I do. Obviously, I will try to understand if they cannot be given, I hope I can, understanding seems to be theme at the moment and it is not easy.