Catharsis

I am writing this to get things out of my head, not to hurt anyone.

I am posting it because I thought that just writing it would be enough.  It isn’t.

I am not fishing for sympathy, it wouldn’t help how I am feeling anyway.

I am not hoping that people will turn against her, I actually couldn’t want anything less.

I am hoping, simply, that by putting the truth out there it will help me move forward with my life and get over these feelings of worthlessness and the pointlessness of trying to keep going.

That’s not melodramatic, it’s how I feel.  I understand that I just need time.  I understand that there will probably be other people out there for me.  I know my friends and family will support me.

None of that helps right now.  To me, she was the one, she was the one from the first month we got together.

That’s the reality.

People have told me to hold off, wait longer before posting.  Some have even told me to not post it at all.  Maybe everyone is right.  I am sure most people will just see this as bitterness, lashing out and just one side told by someone who is very deeply hurt.  It isn’t.  It’s the truth, it’s also the 2nd time it has been written, the first I posted but didn’t share, it was read by her and she told me herself that there wasn’t any lie or exaggeration.  The difference between that and this, that was very detailed and had little to no speculation about anything.  This is less detailed and contains some educated guesses, but it is still the same truth as before, no lies or exaggerations.

So, here is the truth..not with as much detail as I could write, but with enough detail for the whole truth to be known.

Catharsis

So, Charlotte is gone.

The love of my life for the last 7 years broke my heart and has moved to Berlin.

We had planned to go there together.  She was actually in Berlin looking for apartments for us when she cheated on me.

Despite her saying that she was going to tell me and that she had known for a while that the relationship was over, she absolutely had no plans to tell me.  When I confronted her with it, I gave her many chances, even then, to tell me…she chose to keep lying until the moment she realised that I already knew, that she couldn’t persuade me it was just me being jealous.

Then came the same lines that cheaters throughout the ages have used.  “I wanted to tell you”, “I was going to tell you”, “I didn’t want/mean to hurt you” etc…You all know most of them already.  Coupled with the “I still love you, but not in that way”, I could probably buy the big book of cheaters statements and they would have all been used.  I broke off the engagement and asked for the ring back a couple of days later, when I realised that she wasn’t remorseful about the cheating, only about how the cheating had made me feel.  And that she had no intention of trying to repair what we had.

The reality is that she feels that she is too young for commitment as she had basically never had any time living alone and doing what she wanted in her life.  Guys were paying her a lot of attention, flirting etc..I guess she needed to know what it felt like.  She “Doesn’t want any relationship at all” she “Just needs her freedom for a while”.

I came to terms with it pretty quickly, and then she started hurting me more by sleeping with another guy before she left, a guy that I had problems with for a while, because I thought he was trying to sleep with her…despite her insistence of her not being interested “in the slightest”.  She says that she wasn’t doing it to hurt me, but it certainly feels that way.  The moment I tell her I understand and I am over the relationship break-up, that’s when the lies started again and she was then sleeping with this “just a friend” for her last week in Frankfurt.  Kind of feels like a punishment to me.  The only other alternative is that the guy in Berlin has told her isn’t interested anymore, and she is punishing him by sleeping with his friend.  Neither of those options are particularly nice to consider.

It always seems to be that way doesn’t it?  The victim is always the one that gets punished more and more.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel sorry for myself.  I feel sorry for her, truly, obviously she has never had these experiences and therefore needs to make these kind of mistakes before being able to settle down, but the route she is taking is a bad one.

She has, in the space of two weeks, put her own needs and desires above me and above the 2 guys that she slept with (they are close friends with each other btw).   I can understand the need for freedom, the need to “sow her oats” (or whatever the female equivalent might be).  I get it.  I don’t like it, but I get it.  I just wish she could think it through first.  She has changed 3 lives irreversibly. Mine, and the two friends.

She might think that she can have “no strings” with them, they might even tell her that it is ok for them too…but it isn’t, it never is for guys, especially with the passion and intensity that Charlotte can demonstrate when you first get with her.  Their friendship with each other has changed forever as a result of her, and her friendship with them has changed forever as the result of sex.  Especially for the latest guy, he has wanted this from her for more than 2 years. If either of them think that nothing has changed, they are being incredibly naive.

I think I can already predict what has happened.  They (her and the “friend”) have essentially waltzed straight into a long distance relationship.  At least from his side.  She will be telling him to come to Berlin, that she doesn’t know why they didn’t get together before….that her only regret is that this didn’t happen between them sooner, that she wishes she were staying in Frankfurt, why didn’t she break up with me earlier..The phone calls will last longer and longer, all night sometimes.  They are probably at the “deep feelings” stage, you know the ones where you are talking about love without wanting to use the word, although to be honest they may even have said they love each other by now (after all, they have been together 2 weeks now).  They will be talking about falling hard and it being unexpected.  I have seen her song posts (and yes, understood the lyrics..even the very obvious Fuck You song she posted just after she left), the transparent liking of things that relate to his nickname and the very obvious in-jokes between them.

Why am I speculating?  I don’t know, to be right I suppose..to try and make sense of what has happened.  To try and stir up feelings of anger and outrage that will help me get through it all and come out the other side.  I know it isn’t healthy, anger never is, but numbness and depression are far worse, at least to me.  Being right about these things also means that I do know her and that the last few years held some truth at least.

I see the identical start to their relationship now … identical to our start. I think part of what really hurts is that I allowed her to convince me it was real, that our relationship beginning was as unique to her as it was to me. Realising now that it was a lie, that she fell for me how she falls for anyone she falls for, hurts. It hurts my pride and it hurts me deeper than I can possibly explain.  Having to see our relationship play out, but with someone else in the leading role….it’s too much.

I think that she needs to know that people want her and value her.  Just not me, unfortunately.  Maybe that is why she slept with her “friend” before she left.  She thought he was into her for over 2 years, she probably wouldn’t want to leave the city without seeing if she was right.  She actually asked me not to tell him that she had cheated on me with his mate because “It would break his heart”.  If you can believe that.

I am pretty certain that she will also be in touch with the other guy as soon as she gets to Berlin, just to see if she can keep that attraction going too.  That’s the bit I don’t understand, she is hurting people around her and, ultimately, herself.  I do, however, suspect that he won’t be interested and that she will be focusing on “the friend”.

The trouble is, in the short amount of time it took me to reach an understanding of what had happened, and come to the conclusion that having her in my life as a friend was more important to me than my own values about fidelity, she was constantly lying.  Lying about stupid things too…telling me things that she didn’t need to tell me, only for me to then see that they were lies a couple of days later.  On some level, she doesn’t place any value on me in relation to her life and for some reason she is determined to hurt me.  I think it may be that, subconsciously, it hurt her that I was able to deal with it so quickly.  I don’t know, I don’t want to know, I just know how it feels.

I was a good boyfriend/fiance.  I was caring, loving, supportive, understanding and patient.  Don’t get me wrong, I was never perfect…my occasional bursts of, now understandable, jealousy about contact with guys (one of which being the guy she ended up sleeping with before she left…..) were not great, there were other things too, I talked about wanting to do things and never got to them.  My procrastination in recent years is my biggest failing as a person to me and probably contributed greatly to her feelings changing towards me.  I was far from perfect, but I never lied to her and everything I did was for her and us.

I also, probably, gave too much of myself.  I stopped going out, stopped having any life outside of us and, whilst she wanted and even encouraged that, that wasn’t what she needed.  I can honestly say that I almost forced her to take me for granted.  I’m not excusing her actions, nor taking any blame for them, but it is a fact that I can’t ignore.

The flip side is also true, she gave all of those things to me, but she never dropped her social connections like me, nor made any attempt to (I wouldn’t have wanted her to by the way).  She did try to bring me along and involve me in her social life, which I did…this ended up reinforcing, in my mind, that what I was doing was right.

It wasn’t, and I have learned a valuable lesson I suppose.

I still care about her, I think I always will.  Who knows?  Maybe in the future she will realise that I do have value in her life and reach out with honesty and want some kind of connection.  Right now, I seriously doubt it, but I can’t see a day where I wouldn’t want that if it happened.

I don’t blame her for wanting what she wants, I don’t blame her for wanting to break up with me.  I blame her for choosing the lowest, worst and most humiliating way possible to go about it.  I blame her for cheating and lying and hurting me when all I have done is love her.  I blame her for not being the person I thought she was, the person I fell in love with, the person I still love.

There was no way for her to avoid hurting me.  She wants different things, and that was always going to hurt.  She didn’t need to add betrayal and throw the last 7 years with me in my face.  She didn’t need to make it worse in the last week with her “just a friend”, she could have been compassionate, instead she was selfish, childish and cruel.  Telling me how amazing the sex is with him for example.  That hurts most of all, because I know that isn’t her.  I have seen who she can be when she wants to and, this person that hurts someone close and then kicks them over and over again when they are down, this person is not her. I hope she realises that sooner rather than later.

I hope Berlin is a success for her, I hope she finds what she wants and I hope she can be happy.  I still want that for her.

I wish I could say that she can’t hurt me anymore, that I am done, that I have let everything go.

I can’t.

I miss her.