From The Mans Perspective
Why do women wear white on their wedding day? So they will match the stove and fridge!
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a womens sex drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake!!!
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
In the beginning .......God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. then God created woman. Since then, neither God Nor Man has rested.
Did you here they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Why are hangovers better than women? Hangovers will go away.
Why do women have smaller feet than men ? So they can stand closer to the sink
My ex-wife and I have our alimony set up on the easy payment plan. I make the payment and she takes it easy.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week, it took four Policemen and a dog.
What's the worst part of getting a sex change from male to female? Whan they remove half the brain.
Did you here that they discovered that there are female hormones in beer? Yeah, apparently they had 100 guys each drink 10 pints of beer. They all started running their mouths and driving lousy.
Husband: Where do you want to go on holiday this year? Wife: I want to go somewhere I've never been before. Husband: Well, how about the kitchen?
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
How is a woman like a laxative? They both irritate the crap out of you.
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Dumas
I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
Marriage is not a word, it is a sentence - A Life Sentence!!
Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Why were shopping trolleys invented? To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
Men have their faults. But women have only two. Everything they say. And everything they do.
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children. I will never forget that game of cards...
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!"
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
Do you know what it means when you come home to a little affection, a little tenderness, and a little sympathy? It means you're in the wrong house.
How do men define a 50/50 relationship? She cooks/I eat; she cleans/I dirty; she irons/I wrinkle.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?1.No mind. 2.No business.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant
What does a woman make best for dinner? Reservations.
Why do women have arms? Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?
How do you know when a women's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A wise man once told me...."
Why did God make man first? Because he didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.
If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you, what have you usually done wrong? Made her chain too long.
Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing maching will never be able to support you.
How can you tell if a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig? He thinks "harass" is two words.
My wife complained about not being wanted, so I went to the post office and put up her picture!
My wife gets more dirt out of a phone than she can out of a vacuum cleaner!
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
Confucius says man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke". But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..."
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let the wife cook in the dark.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
Feminists--first they burn their bra and then they want support!
Husband: Put your coat on love im going to the bar. Wife: Are you taking me out for a drink? Husband: Don't be silly woman, im turning the heat off...
What do you call a woman with half a brain? Gifted.
What are the three fastest means of communication? 1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Telawoman!
Feminism: A socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. - Pat Robertson
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, thats a man's job.
Why do Japanese Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs? So you can tell them apart from the feminists.
Husband--One who has several small mouths to feed and one big mouth to listen to. Wife--A slave who demands to be set on a throne. --Balzak 1799-1850
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her.
In any arguement with her he always gives in. What's the use? It's just his word against thousands of hers!
Women are so unreasonable! My wife gets mad because every Saturday night I take a bath with bubbles in it. I mean, if Bubbles doesn't mind, why should she?
He: I'd like to marry your daughter. Father: Have you seen my wife yet? He: Yes, I have. But I prefer your daughter.
A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you've already told her twice.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
Did you here about the new all-woman delivery company. It's called UPMS. They deliver your package when they darn well feel like it!
How can you tell if a woman is happy? Who cares?
How are women like paper cups? Both are disposable.
Why do women like intelligent men? Opposites attract.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
My wife ran off with my best friend..I sure do miss him!
What do you call an intelligent woman in America? A tourist.
Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!
How do you blind a woman? Put a winshield in front of her face.
Adam to Eve: "Hey! I wear the plants in this family!"
Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep!
What do you call a woman who has lost her mind? A widow.
How many men does it take to mop a floor? None. It's a woman's job.
In the midst of a quarrel, the wife bitterly yells at her husband, "I was such a fool when I married you." Retorts her husband: "That's so true. But I was in love and didn't notice."
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets!
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Wife: "You look tired, honey. How about a nice steak, mashed potatoes, and an apple pie for dessert?" Husband: "No thanks, I'm too tired. Let's just eat at home."
My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Don't be sexist. Broads hate that!
Why can't Helen Keller drive? She's a woman!
How is marriage like a hot bath? Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
Wife: "The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie." Husband: "Which is this?"
A businessman, an intelligent woman, and the Easter Bunny get into an elevator. There is a $10 note lying on the groud. Who picks it up? The businessman; the other two don't exist!
What do you call a man who loses 150 lbs of useless fat? A divorcee!!
How many women does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.
Did you here about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anybody!
Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen???
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told!
What do you do if your dishwasher stops working? Slap that woman!!
In everything but brains and braun, women are vastly superior to men.
Feminists are o.k., I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one!
Never argue with a woman when she's tired...or when she's awake.
Why does it take four women with PMS to screw in a lightbuld? Because it does, alright!?!?
"I'd like my wife to be beautiful, well-behaved, smart, and rich," the bachelor said. "O, well, then you'll have to get married 4 times", replied his friend.
Why is spousal abuse so high in America? (Start punching your fist into your other hand) Because they just don't listen!!!
A fella puts a "wife wanted" ad in the classifieds. The next day he received 100 responses. They all said the same thing. "You can have mine."
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't...there's a clock on the oven!
Why did God create women? Because a beer can't cook supper!
What's a mans idea of helping with housework? Lifting up his legs so the woman can vacuum.
How do you keep a woman from wanting sex? Marry her.