Ideal Jobs
Who said the market's dead?? Here are some some ideal roles...
EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES
Immediate Requirements:
Bullshitter (3 month contract)
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Bullshitter required. You will have at least three years experience of doing
jobs for which you have no skill or aptitude, ideally in a Unix environment.
Skills to include bullshit, ideally to politician level, and waffle in a technical
capacity. Arse-covering skills will be an advantage. CBE (Certified Bullshit
Engineer) qualification essential.
Liar (6 month contract)
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You will be working for a prestigious, high-profile company. You must be able
to claim a degree with first-class honours, preferably from Oxford or Cambridge,
and own a car which (although impressive) does not actually exist. You will
also be required to make up stories or explanations on the hop, so experience
of police work will be considered favourably. Ties and/or certificates are
provided to add convincing "colour" to the successful applicant's
statements.
Unix Guru (Rolling one month requirement)
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Candidates must have at least three of the following qualities:
(1) a stupid and unusual hairstyle with goatie beard
(2) fashion taste which stopped somewhere in the mid-60's,
(3) a lifestyle quite unlike anyone else, or
(4) a habit of wearing sandals with or without socks. The ideal applicant
will also have a Californian accent. Unix experience not essential, but some
keyboard skills may be useful
Inexperienced timewaster wanted - urgent contract.
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Candidates (under 21 years of age) must be able to fill out at least six pages
of a C.V. with claims of experience and knowledge totalling a minimum of 150
years. In addition, they must also be able to claim involvement with hobbies
which nobody in their right mind could possibly fit into a lifestyle which
included, for example, sleeping or eating.
The successful applicant will have no real skills in any category whatsoever, but candidates will be considered providing they do not know anything about C++ programming or Project Management.
Destruct testers required. (3 month contract, extendable to 6 months)
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Clumsy, careless oafs of a naturally foolish nature must demonstrate their
ineptitude with several, briefly-held, positions. The successful candidate
will be asked to break something during the interview, preferably in a way
which the interviewer will never have thought possible or remotely likely.
E-commerce consultants. (3 hours, extendable to 12 years)
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Experience in e-commerce not required. The successful applicant will have
no experience of any of the following: commerce, computers, the internet,
good taste. A lack of design skills and a fixation with style over content
will also be important. You should have current experience in gross over-charging
and hoodwinking scrupulous clients. You will work with a bunch of other opinionated
irritating w*nkers, constructing a series of web-pages with as many 'broken
links' and loose ends as time and money allow.
Scapegoats or PSE (One month contract with bonus on completion.)
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Conscientious and hardworking individual. Experienced in customer support
and maintenance, you will have several demonstrable skills which can be used
to show why the interviewers were right to employ you, coupled with a complete
lack of awareness regarding arse-covering. You will work with a close-knit
team of temporary contractors and will travel from project to project tasked
with the job of tidying up the loose ends to ensure customer acceptance and
satisfaction.
Sent in by Andy Dodwell