Let me just say right now that I have had a fantastic Christmas. I flew over to Blighty late on the 23rd and, after Dad had been robbed by the car park people for parking in the 15 minute car park instead of the short stay…30 quid for an hour!!!, arrived at my parents place at around 03:30. Quick hello, quick bite to eat and a cuppa and then bed. I had to set my alarm as Zak and Brandon were due to arrive at 10:30.
The boys arrive and we have a great day, we wander around Newark..do a bit of shopping for my Mum and meet Dad to walk home (after a mahoosive fish ‘n chip dinner of course). It was great..tickle fights, drawing, watching TV, playing rugby in the back garden. They saw the boatload of presents in the dining room, so I told them that Santas helper had been to see me in Germany, and asked if I could help get the presents to the boys. This went down a treat and everyone was happy. My Bro gave me a lift to drop them off, which was a drama in its own right…my brothers car is pretty small and this meant that some of the pressies went in the boot and the rest went…well, pretty much ON the boys. Still, it gave them a giggle.
Getting back to my folks brought the Christmas Eve drinks…my Mum wasn’t feeling too hot and my other brother was at work (boo!), so it was left to Me, Paul and Dad to put in a good shift. We did this by going on a pub crawl. In pub 1 I can’t work out why I am so frickin’ hot…to the point of sweating quite a lot. As we decide to move on because of the crap beer (British brewed Grolsch..eww) I notice that I have been stood with my head directly next to a 100w lightbulb…genius. We head to another bar and discover Veltins (a regional brew from NRW in Germany). I immediately settle in for a few bevvies and we have a great time.
Last orders is a little over 20 minutes away when Paul decides I must try Peroni, some Italian beer ffs! Oh, and witness a Cider slushy type thing. It was all going well until we see barmaid #2. Holy frickin’ Mary mother of god…like Golums ugly sister that they don’t let out during the daytime. Quite honestly it almost put me off my beer. We escape to a corner of the bar where she is not in our line of sight and get chatting again. When the next round is called, I decide that I can’t drink beer anymore thanks to this woman and tell Paul to get me a shot. As he goes off to order it, I say to Dad “If he brings me a whiskey, I’ll punch him in the face”…sure enough, he brings me back a whisky. I decide not to punch him in the face, but I can’t drink the whiskey..so Dad has a go…and it tastes foul..so he dumps it in his pint, thinking that will take the taste away…it doesn’t. Paul then pours some of Dads beer/whisky combo into his cider. This doesn’t kill the taste of the whiskey and we all say “sod it” and head home. Paul and Dad wake up the next day with hangovers..I feel great (thanks German beer) and we settle in to watch a festive film.
After Die Hard finishes, we begin making Christmas dinner…screw turkey, screw roast potatoes and all that traditional crapola…what we wanted were steaks…steaks so big that you could only get 3 on a BBQ. Oh, that’s right..we BBQ’d on Christmas Day. Check out the results below.
I met Pauls girlfriend, spent some quality time with my brothers and Mum/Dad, went bowling…had plenty of beers, built Pauls computer for him and basically had a whale of a time.
There is a subject I would like to mention though, and that is the “Amateur Traveller”. Now, I place that in quotation marks, as this is my opinion based on…well…almost everyone around me both on the way to blighty and on the way back to Frankfurt.
I will do this rant’ette in bulletpoint form, so that hopefully this post doesn’t ramble on for too much longer.
1. Queues: Now, I know that it can be difficult to figure out who is next, especially when everyone else is in single file and directly behind the person in front of you, but maybe you could ask. This is preferable to attempting to create a 2nd queue, when there is only one check-in desk. Also, if a tannoy announcement comes on (literally) every 3 minutes to tell you to use the automatic check-in machines before queueing to drop your bag off….try not to look shocked when, after queueing for the better part of an hour, you are told to take your shit and find an electronic check-in machine and re-queue.
2. Check-In: When you finally sort out your queue strategy and get to the check-in desk, please try not to be surprised when the (very) stressed out woman behind said desk asks to see your passport. She will also want to see your booking confirmation….oh, and probably the passports of the people you are flying with. Also, you are flying RyanAir…these are notoriously unforgiving when it comes to their weight limits per person and will want you to either pay, or take some stuff out.
#1 You booked, you knew the limit, don’t fucking argue about it.
#2 Move…if you fucked up, do not delay the rest of us checking in, just so you don’t lose your place in line…you fucked it up…get out of my way.
#3 Have your passports and booking information handy…not in one of the overweight suitcases that you are now desperately trying to repack…causing the passports to fall to the bottom.
#4 Now that you have managed to delay everyone else 15-20 minutes…under NO circumstances try to invite your friends (that have just arrived to the airport) to come to the front of the queue. This may cause a large Englishman, with more than a passing resemblence to Uncle Fester, to lose the plot and physically block your friends from getting through to where you are stood. This Englishman may also turn, growl and generally intimidate your friends. This is probably not a good start to your holidays.
3. Security Check: You will notice, as you walk towards the roped area (cattle-pen anyone?), that there is a kindly uniformed person there, asking to check your boarding card and passport. This kindly soul is also asking if you have any liquids (or other items) that need to be bagged before going on the aircraft. This person is merely trying to give you a chance to sort things out before you head into the security check area. They are also another reminder to the signs plastered in bright yellow ALL OVER THE AIRPORT. If you have such items, please follow the lead of the few people milling around the entrance to said cattle-pen and sort it out. As you follow the cattle-pen to the security check itself, please pay attention to the 4 television screens that are demonstrating to you what you need to do. If you are unable to see a television that is a mere 3 feet above your head, please feel free to watch the process, right in front of you, as it happens to fellow travellers. You will notice that they are being asked to remove their jackets, watches, belts and contents of their pockets. With the right person in front of you, you may even see them remove a laptop and place it seperately in a box.
As we are all around 15-20 minutes late now, thanks to you and your family…please try to follow the travellers in front of you and prepare for your encounter with security. Do NOT blindly walk to security and moan when asked to take off your jacket, forget the watch and belt and be told to go back to take them off. Then again to remove the mobile/change and eventually hat. Try not to tell security that there is no laptop, only for them to see it and have to reverse the fucking conveyor to place it in a seperate container. Oh, and thanks for being considerate and moving out of the way, so that the people behind you…WHO PAID ATTENTION…don’t have to wait for you to redress your fucking selves.
4. On The Plane: It is a very narrow walkway, so try and have a little consideration for those people that are desperately trying to get their things in the overhead locker. Also, if you are lucky enough to get to the over-wing, extra legroom seating…try and pay attention to the flight attendant when they tell you that no luggage or loose items can be stowed by the emergency exits.
5. Passport Control: Again…you will need your passport here. Try not to be surprised. It might also be nice if you could use the 30 minutes you will spend in the queue…TO FIND IT. Oh, and this one goes to Stansted Airport…there will be more people arriving that are EU Passport holders, this is to be expected…so we would really appreciate it if you could lay on more than, say, 3 members of staff for the EU Passport holders passport control…especially when you have over double that number looking after the few dozen Non-EU Passport holders…mmmkthanks
6. Baggage Claim: This one also goes out to Stansted Airport. When you have 5 planes land at roughly the same time, I can understand it being a little hectic…but it surely can’t take a friggin hour to get the bags onto the conveyors. If it does…seeing as you have 9 conveyors..wouldn’t it be prudent to put the contents of each plane on it’s own…we have all seen Toy Story 2, we know that they all start at roughly the same place. Try to avoid putting the contents of 3 different planes on 1 conveyor….
And a special mention must go to the bus driver that got me back to Frankfurt last night. When I ask you, with packet of smokes in hand, how long before the bus leaves…if you tell me “Now”, please don’t leave 25 minutes later…I really needed that smoke after dealing with all these frickin’ amateur travellers. Oh, and to the Indian pilot who ended up sitting next to me. If you insist on eating peanuts (or whatever the fuck they were) for the ENTIRE 2 HOUR JOURNEY…please use your other arm so that you aren’t knocking me every 10 seconds for 2 hours…next time, I may do more than simply stopping your arm from hitting me…do we understand one another? Good!
This has been a public service rant. Travel safe everyone.