Only 18??

Shopping?  Not with a man
Photo by The Rocketeer
Over at CNN they ran an article entitled “18 things to teach our sons about women” Which lead me to wonder a couple of things…

Firstly, as it was written by women, why only 18 things?   There has to be more…although maybe 18 is the maximum that sons are capable of learning without suffering a haemmorhage or other catastrophic brain damage.   From what I remember of my youth, this is entirely possible.

Secondly, are they planning on running the same thing from another perspective?   I didn’t find anything so, in an effort to get in touch with my feminine side, let me present to you:-

18 things (I believe) women teach our daughters about men.

I will put the topic that the original article feels should be taught to sons in brackets, you know, for reference and all that.

1. Pick your battles

Ok, I chose the same topic here as it seems like quite an obvious one really.   By picking your battles, I mean save them up…save up all the reasons you might like to have a go at the man in your life about.   Better to hit him with everything from the last 6 months in one go and (speaking from experience) just as he is going to sleep.   He will undoubtedly be tired and is guaranteed (almost) not to argue as he will simply want this to end.

2.   Walk 2 paces in front (Walk on the outside (closer to the street) of your female companion)

This may seem a little strange, but men don’t want meek and indecisive women.   They need strong women to lead their man through the throngs of shoppers.   The exception to this rule is when he needs to get football tickets, or a new computer game…at this point it is better to give him some freedom while you pause for a coffee.   Also, it will be funny to watch him trying to keep up and get along side you.

3. Never speak during anything on television that he is paying attention to (Saying “You’re being crazy” is never an appropriate response, unless you want her to go postal on you)

Pretty obvious when you think about it.   That said, this is the perfect opportunity to get that new outfit that you expect him to say no to.   Additionally, if you feel like you need more ammunition for the bedroom chat from point 1, then make sure you do, in fact, interrupt whatever he is watching to tell him something, he won’t pay attention and whatever you need will most certainly not be done.

4. Cooking, cleaning, and taking care of kids are things men can actually do as well as women

Again, I chose the exact same topic here to address modern women and their boundless talent to manipulate stupid men (and by definition all men).   Essentially, it is absolutely true that men can do these things…and in fact should do these things.   What isn’t addressed here is the ability of the women to be able to convince the man that they should do these things without expecting you to do it in return.   This can be via a series of headaches, “womens problems” and a clever use of all points collected in point #1.   If performed correctly, your saying “Darling, let’s get Chinese tonight” from time to time, could ensure that he cooks, cleans and spends almost all of his spare time with the kids…and thanking you for it.

5. Ensure that beer and snacks are available at all times (Keep backup supplies of quality chocolate in the house for her to raid)

This is vital.   Especially when related to point 4, these snacks can be a vital distraction from having to cook.   They will also guarantee that he will be in the mood for watching sports, a show or film on TV, thereby ensuring that you can go out without even needing to ask if he is willing to watch the kids whilst you do so.

6. Buying shaving equipement and toiletries is an absolute necessity (Buying tampons and other feminine products shouldn’t embarrass you –everyone knows they’re not for you)

Let’s face it, men remain pretty much childlike and reliant on the women in their lives.   Unless you want a very smelly and unshaven partner, you will do this.   Remember though, it is not enough to simply buy the products…oh no, you must then nag, cajole, prod and push him into actually using them.   Under no circumstances get anything with flowers on the packaging as he will rebel and refuse to use them.   Make sure you buy manly sounding products such as Axe (Lynx) and Brut…anything by Jean Paul Gaultier should only be purchased for him if you allow him to set it on fire.

7. Men like to be left alone…and gifts   (Women like compliments and gifts)

Nuff said really.   Try and get gifts that are in the rough area of interest though.   Don’t buy a Football for a Rugby fan…that’s all I am saying.

8. The BBQ is for him (Earning less than her shouldn’t be emasculating)

Earning less than her shouldn’t be emasculating…it isn’t.   Men may seem to be competitive souls, but trust me on this…if you can earn more than him, he is happy…and probably contemplating how he can stay at home whilst you go out to work.   BBQs, however, are another story altogether.   There was an article recently, where a woman had decided to start the BBQ and cook before her partner got home…after the divorce he was at a clinic and can now be found working as a part time masseuse called Kylie.   The BBQ is for him…learn it, live it, love it.

9. Get there sometime within an hour of scheduled arrival (Be on time, even if she usually isn’t)

I know that this is expected…you think that you should be stylishly late…no, this is the excuse used when women are late to meet other women.   When meeting your partner you need to make sure you are late for a variety of reasons…and none of them are anything to do with you.   A man waiting for a women, where he can almost guarantee lateness, is afforded the opportunity to get certain things out of his sytem.   Flatulence for one, the chance to forget the punchline to the terrible joke that person X from the office told him, some time to check the football scores and basically the chance to remember that he is meeting you…not one of the lads.   That said, any more than an hour and he is likely to forget why he is there and wander off, like some sort of forlorn lost puppy.

10. Unless necessary, don’t take him shopping (Don’t be a pouty puppy when shopping with her)

By necessary I mean if you are shopping for a) Him, b) a computer, c) a car or d) a BBQ.   There is no other purpose (with the possible exception of his credit cards, but you should have already gotten him to provide you one of those).   If you have what is referred to as a “Gay Boyfriend” (not to be confused with a gay friend)   and he is able to adequately recommend clothing that looks good on you, feel free to push, prod, pout and cajole until he agrees.

11. Find out what his favourite team is (Find out what her favorite flower is)

I am not just talking about the name here, you have to know at least 3 players, their various team colours (home and away etc) and how the scoring system works.   Under no circumstances should you be asking “Which one is your team?” and “Who is winning?”.   This will lead to head shaking and possible loss of control.

12. If you like him, then don’t buy him a computer game; it will be the wrong one (If you like her, then don’t buy her shoes; it’s bad luck)

The obvious exception is if he has told you specifically what version, the shop to go to and preferably the serial number on the back of the case he wants.

13. To a man, smiling and nodding is the same as listening (Smiling and nodding aren’t the same as listening)

Contrary to popular belief, men do listen.   The important thing missing from the “teach our sons” article is that listening is not the same as understanding.   There is no help here for this although some women report that raising the voice about 4 octaves and about 20 decibels has had some effect in certain cases.   The most important thing to remember is that you don’t actually need him to listen and understand…you just need a sonic reflection device.   If your man is out, a large sheet of cardboard will give you the same sensation.

14. It’s never OK to cry in front of him (It’s OK to cry in front of her, but keep the blubbering to a minimum)

As said in point 13, he wouldn’t understand anyway.   Also, crying onto his shoulder and unburdening yourself is simply a way of reminding him that he is necessary to your daily life.   If he begins to realise this, you can kiss goodbye to the credit card, compliments and gifts that you have managed to secure on a daily basis.

15. Knowledge of sport and/or computers goes a long way (Personality goes a long way)

Men aren’t really interested in looks, they claim to be but they aren’t.   Sure, if they can get the looks too, they are happy.   What they want is someone that won’t start yawning the second they begin excitedly discussing that penalty decision from the TV or the shot they made in Game X.   Personality suggests conversation, men don’t want conversation where possible.

16. He will never be as important as your Dad (At some point she’ll be more important than your mother)

Your Dad will never approve of this man, or any man.   In the event of any kind of argument or emotional turmoil created either by him or both of you, your father is where you will turn.   He is allowed to criticise your choice of partner…Your man, on the other hand, understands this and is simply using it a learning experience until he is in the position of Father and will then be able to exact his revenge for years of abuse.   The first recorded incident of a woman not feeling her father to be more important than her partner was Deirdre the Dodo….and we all know what happened there…

17. There is nothing to understand about men (You will never completely understand women)

It’s true, by and large they are simple creatures with simple needs that are very easily controlled.   They spend their whole lives trying desperately to understand you, they have no time to become complicated enough for you to worry about understanding them.   If they are sad…beer and/or sex.   If they are happy beer and/or sex.   If they are indifferent…beer and/or sex.   Are you detecting a theme here?

18. Oh yeah, and no woman will ever be good enough for my baby!

There is one peril though, and that is “The Mother”.   You must remember, “The Mother” was a daughter once, and has been well schooled in these instructions.   They will be able to predict your moves and, will probably accept them…unless she was not blessed with a daughter of her own.   In these cases, the mother may be overly protective of the son and you have to tread carefully.   In these situations, be the daughter she never had….just be subtle about it and you will be ok.

Oh, and for the record…I am not saying that these are my personal beliefs….they are, however, my personal belief as to what women learn as they are growing up.. important difference.


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